It's not really a rant so much as an emotional flood.
Crohn's has been a part of my life since the year I got married. It made that first year all kinds of interesting. There is nothing like starting to have intimite time with your husband and having everything screeching to a halt because you just couldn't make it to the bathroom in time. Or feeling kind of proud that your wedding day weight is the lowest you've been since jr. high, only to realize it was because of a life long illness. Then getting tossed on multitudes of medications to try to stem the effects, but the effects of the meds sometimes feel as bad as the effects of being sick. I hated feeling bloated, hungry, un-sexy, gross, out of control, raging emotions, and tired.
It's been 8 years of cycling through feeling medicated and awful, medicated and a little better, unmedicated and worse. All around the spectrum.
Today, my dr. and I had a talk about an ileostemy - taking out the colon and using an 'ostemy' pouch. My first thoughts were, "I'm not even 30 yet; how can I go around missing half of my insides?" I feel like I've only recently come to terms with my hysterectomy a year ago, and now I not only had to go losing another part of me, but I have to add a weird pouch.
Thankfully, it won't effect my wardrobe, since I tend to wear things that cover my torso completely and are not tight-fitting. But there is a whole huge part of my that is really having a hard time with this. Several times in the last year, I've felt like I'm less of a woman with out my uterus. My husband is quick to reassure me and I know that he doesn't think less of me. But as insecure as I've been feeling about that, the idea of having my 'stool' in a pouch on my stomach makes me feel just that much less beautiful and desirable.
I've already had a long talk with Aaron about how this affects me and my feelings about myself. He is wonderfully supportive, like he was that first year of marriage. I couldn't ask for a better guy to have around forever. I have been trying hard to look at the positives that will come of this - no more bathroom accidents, no more medications or the side effects of them, no more worrying when colon cancer is going to hit, no more colonoscopies (hey, no colon, no '-oscopy', right?). And yes, I know it will better my life. But for the moment, I just want to have a good cry and when I'm done, I'll feel much better about this whole thing.
P.S. I am not meaning to discount or brush aside any disabilities. I know I have been very blessed. But this is my moment to cry.
7 comments:
I call me. I talked with your mom this evening and she told me what you are going through. Please call me. I love you.
I am so sorry! I can see how you would feel like you do, but I hope you know that I only see you as strong, courageous, and such an example of enduring to the end, regardless! You're in my thoughts and prayers!
This would one of the harder situations to look at on the bright side, so you deserve a medal for trying. While I don't deal with the extremes you do, I do sympathize with some of your symptoms, and can only imagine the amount of pain and frustration, and embarrassment, you've had to deal with these last years. Aaron sounds like an amazingly supportive man, I'm glad you have him in your corner! Hugs and prayers for you, my sweet cousin, and I hope you are able to find peace and comfort.
This sounds like such an emotional and TOUGH decision! Good and bad to both sides. If I have any advice, it would be to really weigh the pros and cons to both. (Which I'm sure you are doing.) Write them down next to each other and compare. Get a feel for how each side feels.... and pray, which I am sure you are doing too.
My mom lost her legs about 10 years ago and could probably give you some perspective as to how it feels to have your body look and work a little differently than others. She is still just as happy though and still does things like ride horses.
Even though you may feel different afterwards, most people will never even know, and the wonderful health just might be worth it!
Melinda, my heart goes out to you, and please know that you are justified in all your feelings and tears. I'm so grateful you have such a wonderful support system. You have been through so much for someone your age, but it sounds like even though it will be quite a big change, it will be for the better in the long run. Will keep you in my prayers! Hugs!
Post a Comment